Rule 1: don't eat scrolls
by Mochi Flavored Fun
Summary: Zetsu froze. "Oh… my… god…" The cannibal spun around a few times as if things would change if he did, but no such luck. Zetsu, was indeed, a 5-year-old. Rated T for swearing, blood, biting, and screaming like a girl. Plus some fatherly love from Pein; that can be really scary at times. Full summary inside. Reviews are appreciated.


**Author's note: **lol, this is such a crack fic

**Summary: **Zetsu froze. "_Oh_… **my**… _**god**_…" The cannibal spun around a few times as if things would change if he did, but no such luck. Zetsu, was indeed, a 5-year-old. Rated T for swearing, blood, biting, and screaming like a girl. Plus some fatherly love from Pein; that can be **really** scary at times.

**Full summary: **Zetsu gets turned into a 5-year-old by Pein's freakish scroll. He basically runs around the Akatsuki and snuggles up to everyone all while trying to run away from 'Kami-sama'.

This will be fun.

**Disclaimers: **I don't own Naruto or any of the characters and some of this story Idea belongs so my Beta, Graffiti-Kami 

* * *

Zetsu froze.

"_Oh_… **my**… _**god**_…" The cannibal spun around a few times as if things would change if he did, but no such luck. Zetsu, was indeed, a 5-year-old.

"Zetsu! I told you not to touch the scroll!" Pein whipped around and stormed into the room.

"**I didn't touch it! I bit it!"** Zetsu's black side childishly defended while his white side began bawling. And dang, he looked even smaller in his over-sized cloak.

Pein rolled his eyes with a face palm, before showing his secret fatherly side and picking up the toddler to rock him soothingly as he walked towards a random chest and pulled out a random T-shirt which looked more like a dress on the greenette.

"Shhhh, shhh, it's alright Zetsu-kun, Kami's* here to help you"

Zetsu sniffled, his darker side had begun crying along the way too, but now they had both calmed down enough.

"Arghhhh, this is going to interfere with your missions isn't it" the carrot-top let out a sigh.

"**Nuh-uh**" Zetsu defended, but there was no way a face like that would last 3 seconds with a kunai knife.

"Zetsu, be reasonable-"

"**No!** _I'm perfectly fine!_" Zetsu screamed as he squirmed away from the elder male and scampered out of the room.

"Aw shi-" Pein remembered there was now a child present in the base. "Aw shoot" He corrected himself like a good father would and sprinted after the 5 year old.

* * *

"_SASORI~"_

Said redhead whipped around in surprise at the childish voice that had called out his name, only to be pounced on unexpectedly by a tiny being.

"Z-z-zetsu?" Sasori's eyes widened at the tiny ninja that was now snuggling into his chest for comfort.

"ZETSU!" An older voice screamed, most likely 'Kami-sama' A.K.A. Pein.

"_**NOOOOO!"**_ Zetsu squealed as he slipped out from the redhead's grip and skedaddled to the next wanted criminal in line.

"Where's Zetsu?" Pein panted as he ran into Sasori's room.

"I- he j-just ran out" Sasori blinked a few times as a blur of orange sprinted by him in a blink. "And was it just me… Or was Zetsu… Cute?"

* * *

"_DEIDARA!" _

The blonde turned around ever-so-slowly only to be rammed into by a tiny greenette.

"Z-zetsu un?" Deidara blinked as the toddler giggled and played with his long golden hair.

"**Yep**!" He smiled adorably at Deidara causing the older to blush.

"W-what happened to you un?"

"_Kami-sama_"

"Who un?"

"ZETSU!" That familiar voice roared.

"**Gotta run**" Zetsu saluted to the blonde before making a mad dash towards the door and somehow managing to outrun the leader _and_ Sasori.

"Leader-sama? Danna?" Deidara stood up and looked into the hallway after them. "And was it just me… Or was Zetsu… Cute?"

* * *

"**HIDAN!"  
**"WHO THE FUCK IS CALLING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DAMN RITUAL!?"

"_Hidan~"_ Zetsu whined as he pounced on the bloody albino.

"Fucking Zetsu?" Hidan blinked.

"**You smell nice"** Zetsu nibbled on Hidan's red-drenched arm_. "You taste like blood."_ The child grinned showing off his sharp teeth.

"Why- what- how-!?"

"ZETSU!" a familiar carrot-top once again growled, this time followed by two other members.

"_Ooh, shiny thing" _Zetsu hopped away from Hidan and grabbed the silverette's scythe while fleeing the room.

"ZETSU! GIVE BACK MY FUCKING SCYTHE!"

And even though Hidan would never admit it, he couldn't help but remember how Zetsu's cheeks were _so_ pudgy.

* * *

"**KAKUZU!"**

"Who the what now?"

The tiny greenette once again bounded into someone's arms and nuzzled his nose into Kakuzu's strong chest.

"_I'm being ch-chased by Kami-sama!"_

"Kami- who?"

"ZETSU! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"_Ooooh, this is the same color as mah hair" _Zetsu giggled as he grabbed a bunch of money and dashed towards the door again all while holding Hidan's overly sized scythe.

"ZETSU!"

'_How was such a cute and tiny child holding such an obnoxiously large weapon anyway_?' Kakuzu mused mentally before joining the chase.

* * *

"_ITACHI!"_

"Tobi, what do you want now" The annoyed Uchiha growled before freezing at the sight. A **child**.

"**ITA-"**

"Stay away!" Itachi screeched as he pounced around the room, trying to doge the tiny ninja.

"_Itachi~"_ Zetsu whined as he finally latched onto the slim raven.

"Get off!" Itachi totally forgot about keeping cool and/or using his jutsu at all because the only thing running through his head was 'GET THIS TINY DEMON OFF ME!'

"**Wait… Is Itachi-sama scared of children?"** Zetsu grinned.

That grin was all it took for the Uchiha to break out in a cold sweat.

"_**Hehehehe"**_ Zetsu giggled as he bit the Uchiha's arm just to scare him more, and it worked.

"ZETSU! Cut the crap already!" Pein roared. This time though, all the ninja actually made it in the room since at the moment Itachi was flailing his arms around childishly with a leach- err, Zetsu chewing on his hand.

"**Shit"** Zetsu cursed before sliding through Deidara's legs and slipping out once more.

"Watch your language!" Pein scolded before actually chasing the tiny cannibal.

Itachi froze for a few moments after everyone left, and a tiny smile graced his lips.

"He… actually wasn't too scary"

* * *

"**KISAME!"**

"What?" Kisame asked, he didn't seem fazed by the tiny Zetsu at all. Heh, Kisame was just that sort of laid-back guy.

"_Save me~"_ Zetsu whined as Kisame gladly let the tiny nin hop onto his lap.

"From who?" Kisame whispered as he ran his fingers through Zetsu's fluffy green hair which was actually surprisingly silky.

"**Kami-sama, Danna, Katsu, Scythe, money, and weasel!"**

"Wha- who?"

"ZETSU!" Pein sounded horrid by now and Zetsu was sure the burial services had already been called.

"**Them"** Zetsu grinned held out a piece sign before dashing down the hall.

"Hehehehe, this looks like fun" Kisame grinned showing similarly sharp teeth.

* * *

"**Crud, there's no more people-"**

_WHAM!_

"Zestu-san?" a familiarly childish voice chirped.

"**Tobi!** _**Save us!" **_

"From-" Tobi was cut off when all the Akatsuki (minus Konan since she was out on a solo mission) came charging in the room, so he had two choices.

Save Zetsu

or

Accompany Pein

"Tobi?" The man with many piercings panted. Why were they so out of breath you ask? Because none of them were using chakra, only their own energy out of fear for hurting the young nin.

"Yes leader-san?" Tobi tilted his head.

"What's with your stomach un?" Deidara piped up.

"Ughhh…." Tobi paused for a moment. "Tobi got pregnant while you were gone, so toodlyoo, no need to be suspicious or anything"

"Tobi! Men can't get pregnant un!"

"Why?"

"Because they don't have the… ugh, 'equipment' un…"

"Why?"

"How should I know!"

"Why would god make it so that only woman could get preggers?" Tobi asked as Zetsu slipped out from underneath his shirt and boldly just stood there as if he wasn't in trouble.

"**That's Kami-sama, ask him"** Zetsu innocently looked at Leader-san.

"Wha- why-" Pein stuttered, not quite knowing how to explain it to the two childish criminals.

"Why Kami-sama? Why would you do that? Is it because you don't like gays?"

"**No, because if god didn't like gays then he wouldn't have made men have the ability to fuck each other"**

"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!"

"They can?" Tobi ignored Pein's comment and continued talking to Zetsu.

"**Yeah, you place the dick in the hole" **Zetsu explained. _"Like a doughnut and a banana"_

"I like bananas" Tobi smiled with a giggle.

"_**You have no idea how wrong that sounds now"**_ Zetsu laughed at his elder.

"What's going on in here?" A strong, yet feminine voice roared through the Akatsuki base at the sight of tiny Zetsu holding cash, a scythe, and, well, being… mini.

"Kami-sama turned me mini!" Zetsu immediately defended as he pointed towards Pein earning a glare from Konan.

"What? No I didn't! Zetsu, lying is bad!" Pein glared down at the child who was now holding his head down and fiddling his thumbs. "Is there something you have to say for yourself?" Pein asked in a calm voice, but it still had venom behind it making all the members except Zetsu and Konan wince.

"… Sorry" Zetsu apologized with all his heart as his innocent golden eyes watered at the sight of his father-figure mad at him. He childishly puffed out his cheeks and held up his arms.

Pein rolled his eyes with a sigh, but lifted the 5-year-old up and held him nonetheless.

"Deny me again and you'll be punished" he warned, but Zetsu was too busy giggling and grinning in joy that he had been forgiven to truly notice.

* * *

x**X**x**X** One **explanation** later **X**x**X**x

"Ooooooh" Kisame said as it suddenly made sense. "Wait, then why were Sasori, and Deidara chasing Zetsu? Hidan wanted his scythe, Kakuzu wanted his money, Itachi didn't come at all, I wanted to have some fun, leade- I mean, 'Kami-sama' wanted to catch Zetsu and make sure he didn't run away etc, Konan just sort of… well, arrived, and Tobi was trying to assist Zetsu…. So why?"

Sasori and Deidara blushed.

"I was just following Leader-san, that's all! Not because I was worried about Zetsu or anything!" He defended, his chocolate eyes avoiding Zetsu's.

"And I just wanted to see Zetsu freak 'tachi! Not because _I_ was worried about him or anything un!"

Zetsu grinned at them all.

"D'aww, you're all acting like a huge family"

"Ooh! Ooh! Who would Tobi be?" Tobi raised his hand.

"My big brother, Leader-san would be papa-"

They all smirked at Pein who was slightly blushing.

"-, Sasori would be the uncle, Deidara would be the aunt-"

"Why am I always the female un!?"

"-, Kakuzu would be… Grandpa, Itachi would be the freaky neighbor, Konan would be… My older sister-"

Konan smiled slightly when Zetsu looked at her with those adorable yellow-topaz eyes.

"-Hidan would be my other older brother, and Kisame would be… My pet fish"

At the last one everyone cracked up except for Kisame who pouted.

"Ne, when will the scroll's jutsu wear off anyway?" Kakuzu asked as he re-counted the money he re-collected.

Now this caused Pein to freeze and sheepishly laugh.

"Ugh… I have no idea"

* * *

*Kami= god

*Zetsu= sorry for his cursing. Some of his brain is still mature while the rest is childish.

**AN: **Good? Bad? Again, I know many of the characters are _**very**_ OOC, but oh well, who really knows what Zetsu acted like as a child? And no one really knows how the rest of the Akatsuki would react, so unless you can write a better version, Muahahahahaha to you! (if you do, pm me da link so I can read it)

And FYI: I have nothing against gays etc because some of my family is and I love them yada yada yada. So please don't be offended. If you are, I'll give ya some virtual cookies.


End file.
